He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
