I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
