before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
