mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
