I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
