do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
