yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
