the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
