Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
