I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I love having hate sex.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
