It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
