and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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