I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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