Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
