i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
