I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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