I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
