Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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