I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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