I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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