She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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