The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
