we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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