After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
