oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
