I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
