Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
