Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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