Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
