I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
