She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
