I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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