can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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