My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My bed smells like the plague
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
