I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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