Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
