I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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