i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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