pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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