meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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