I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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