I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
