i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
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In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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