Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Randomize
