Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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