I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
