You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
