I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
