also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
