Sponge bath it is.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My bed smells like the plague
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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