I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
