i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize