Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
