I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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